A Letter to My Son

My Dearest Maximilian,

To me you are perfect. I love you with every fiber in my being and every beat in my heart. From the moment I found out I was finally pregnant to the moment I held you in my arms and every moment after, you have made my life complete. When I was consumed with dark days, you brought sunshine rays. You gave me hope and happiness and a proud purpose. You saved me when I needed saving the most. For the first few months of your life I felt like I needed you more than you needed me. I felt like you were the thing keeping me alive and going, loving and hoping. You were the reason I was strong and you were all I needed. I would come home and hold you and cuddle you and kiss your sweet face. Your smile consumed me. You were my joy, my light, my life. My reason.

As you grew I documented every milestone, so many moments of play and smiles and kisses and hugs. Moments of love. I look back on those photos and videos of my baby and am brought back to that moment in time. You soon became a big brother and it seems like you were born to be a big brother. From the moment when your little one-year-old hands touched your brother, he was yours. You were his. You kiss and hug, squeeze and rub, comfort and laugh and love your brother. You share and play and chase and lay by his side day after day. The best big brother a boy can ask for. Two peas in a pod, made for one another, there for each other.

Soon we would learn that you were a little behind. You were a boy of many smiles and little words. I tried and tried to help how I could, you were ready in your own time. With every word you speak, my heart gets excited when I hear your voice, I become delighted. My son, my sweet boy. You know so much and catch on so quick but you take your time finding your words. I wasn’t surprised when they brought up autism to us, nothing could ever make me love you any less. Things fit in to place and quirks made more sense. All this meant for me was that we had a better idea of how I could help you continue to grow into the smart, happy, loving boy you already are.

Yes, when I see you I am proud. With every little 3 word sentence you use, I see the growth you have made and I am so very proud. You always tell me what you need, you look me in the eyes and tell me how you feel. Mommy holds you and cuddles you to sleep and gives you comfort when you need it. I am your rock, your safe space. I am your love and your happy place. Mommy is here for you and you will always be mine. No matter how many words you use, mommy knows, mommy understands, so take your time.

I can’t wait to watch you grow and learn so much more. You are the most sensitive, sweet, loving little boy I have ever met. I love the love you give. Your greatest gift is your sweet love you have for others, your kindness, your joy, your thoughtfulness, your feelings, your inquisitiveness, your vulnerability. You. Your greatest gift of all is all of You. You are my gift. My son, my heart. My life, my joy. My love, my life. My reason.